My Oscar Picks for 2018 But Nobody Ever Asks Me
I don’t understand why this isn’t up to us. I mean, I’m sure the Academy are fine individuals…or are they? Who are they? The only thing anyone ever tells us is that they are the ACADEMY and I feel like that’s supposed to be in all caps, though if you took any English classes in high school, it really isn’t. I also feel that their skin is probably pasty. Maybe that’s judgmental. It’s just the picture I get in my head. I’ve never seen them. They’re ethereal beings who pick the most obscure, boring or controversial movies and say, “These are brilliant because of reasons or because of Steven Spielburg…pay more money for them from now on. Also, next year you can find all of these selections in the $5 Blu-ray bin at Walmart, or Target if you’re upper-middle class. You’re welcome for the benefit of our opinion. We’re headed back to the cave now. See you next January.”
My skin’s a bit pasty right now too and I don’t get to see very many movies because I have five small children and a life, so I’ll spare you really close up pictures, but if I was picking my top favorites in all the categories that should exist because of reasons: here they are. And you’re also welcome.
Best Pictures Top Five – (Spoiler Alert – There are spoilers)
Outlaw King– Brilliant acting, beautiful scenery, Chris Pine. They manage to make you think the girl’s going to die and as a special bonus, the girl doesn’t die. Love the acting and the writing.
Avengers Infinity Wars– I cried. And I don’t care what you think about my taste or depth of movie watching chops. The Avengers franchise and I go way back and I just can’t handle sweet, beautiful boy Peter Parker crying and saying “Mr. Stark, I don’t feel so good,” as he fades away into nothingness. Can’t handle it.
Christopher Robin– Winnie the Pooh, that’s all I have to say about that.
Sierra Burgess is a Loser– The cuteness of this film is well into the hundreds. Maybe the thousands. One of the first really good stories told about a girl who is overweight who still gets to be cool and doesn’t have to change herself. Yes, the teenagers in the movie try to change her and make her cooler in order to get the boy. Yes, there is manipulation and hijinks and fun. In the end, the boy is so cute and sweet and tells her he thinks she’s so beautiful, and fun and cool, and can’t wait to get to know her. Solid hundreds.
Best Movies to Watch With Your Kids But Secretly Watch for Your Own Enjoyment
The Grinch –Story about social awkwardness that turns out to be okay in the end. The Grinch who leans over and whispers to Cindy Lou Who, “What happens now? It’s my first Christmas dinner.” Melt.
Ralph Breaks the Internet– My kids laughed through this one, but I can’t imagine how they could have found it nearly as funny as I did. This film was solidly made for my generation: the generation around for the origin of the internet. I mean, who else would understand the seedy underbelly of chatrooms, the dark web, and making money by filling out online surveys? Pure brilliance! They DID understand how delightful it was for Disney to make fun of their own ridiculous princess stereotypes. Loved every minute except for creepy crawly giant Ralph. That was just the worst. Why? Who thought that was okay for a kid movie? Ialmost had nightmares from that. Ick.
These are my best picture picks, and if you disagree with them, I can guarantee you, the ACADEMY will align with your beliefs. If you like more obscure, or picturesque, or unstable humans, or whatever, that’s fine. I like to smile or cry, or generally understand what I’m watching. Unless I don’t, I have my moments. I like teenage angst and cuteness. I’m allowed this because I don’t have to live in a cave for eleven months out of the year absorbing over 1200 movies that are released within the calendar, but only caring about twelve of them.
Best Actor Nominations– Just one category for the lead guys and the boyfriends to the lead girls. I don’t have time for supporting actor nonsense.
Best Actress Nominations– same for lead girls and girls of lead guys. No supporting actresses and all that silliness. It’s just as hard to be a costar, so they all get a prize.
I hated this movie so much, it’s hard to give it any props, and I really didn’t care for Sandra’s character in it, but for what she was supposed to do, she did it well. Two positives; SUPER brilliant co-star (Trevante Rhodes); also, I loved that they had a black and white couple that looked beautiful together and perfectly normal. I don’t think they do this enough in movies even now that it’s 2019 and they should. Time to normalize this, Hollywood. The rest of humanity is perfectly fine with it. You should be too.
I also loved:
Solo – A Star Wars Story
Jurassic World – Fallen Kingdom
The Mule – What can I say? My husband is a fan of all Clint Eastwood flicks. I try to love him, but he is such a pragmatist it’s hard. If I wanted real life, I would not be watching movies, but this one is really good. It just makes you really sad.
And my husband said Incredibles 2 was awesome when he took the kids to see it and gave me an entire night to myself to shampoo the carpets (I had a surprisingly fun night that evening. Shampooing carpets at home by yourself is cathartic with no children.)
Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World was one of my favorite movies we watched all year…but it was released in 2010, so I would have to give it an Oscar retroactively, but I just now saw it, and you should all go watch it immediately. It’s like Mario Bros meets hilarious acting meets…Michael Cera. Just saying. Anna Kendrick in the early years is also in it. You cannot beat that.
Most Hated Films this Year (This Should Be An Award)
Bird Box – Hands down. So much.
A Quiet Place– Ugh – same as Bird Box AND they kill off a small child at the beginning. Why? Only positives … John Krasinski and Emily Blunt.
Bumblebee – So over the Transformers franchise…like after the first installation of this franchise was so pathetic.
Cloverfield Paradox– I know the point of the Cloverfield thing is that there is no point, but geez, this one pushed all my negative buttons. It was just the worst. I got through the whole movie and couldn’t remember the name of a single one of the characters or what the heck any of it was about. That’s a bad movie right there.
Okay, so now you know. If you need fun, cute, funny or well-ordered drama, I got your back. Horror and thrilling for no reason? Not really my thing, but more power to you. Have fun at the movies, y’all. If I’ve learned anything from making this list, it’s that I do NOT watch very movies in the year they release. I’ll work on that and get you a better list next year.
Since this is an Oscar list and they always do a list of celebrities that we’re all super sad we lost that year, here’s my list of those as well.
Penny Marshall – Directed in Big and A League of Their Own
William Goldman – Wrote the screenplay for The Princess Bride
Stan Lee – Marvel Comics everything…
Bill Daily– Major Healy on I Dream of Jeannie
Kate Spade – Beautiful purse maker
Stephen Hawking – Mr.Theory of Everything, the world’s IQ went down by several points when he left us.
Billy Graham – Known as America’s pastor. The week he died, Time magazine printed the Roman’s Road and the story of Jesus dying on the cross. Never knew a man would live who could cause Time magazine to do that.
Emma Chambers – One of the funniest women on earth, played Julia Robert’s best friend on Notting Hill. Was significantly funnier than Julia Roberts.
Lots of people left the world this year, great film stars and directors and writers. These were the ones I knew. These were the ones that made me sad. Sorry if I missed one of yours.
Feel free to share your top picks in the comments. Feel free to share your sad celebrity losses. Who would win your Oscars? We should be the ACADEMY. We are better at this than they are…in our opinion.